My Hot Take on What Makes a Relationship Healthy

Before I Begin

I want to start by being complete transparent with you all I don’t have any degrees on what I’m about to talk about but I have spent years observing others and their relationships not just in person but also while reading about other’s relationships not just para social like with celebrities but also with characters in the books I read and the tv and movies I consume as well

Ive been in a relationship with someone since I was a teenager Obviously my own experiences have shaped how I think about love and relationships This isnt about my relationship Over the years Ive watched peoples relationships too Ive watched them in person Ive listened to people talk about their relationships Ive watched what people choose to share on media and what they dont share Ive watched people fall in love get married have children break up get back together cheat forgive lie grow apart grow together and sometimes repeat the patterns over and over again

Ive also spent a lot of time reading Ive read fiction and nonfiction Ive read books about relationships and human behavior Ive read theses Peoples work on relationships and related subjects Ive spent hours going down rabbit holes because something made me curious I wanted to understand it

Ive learned a lot from television and movies too Not because fictional relationships are proof of how real relationships work They arent Stories are still stories about people Characters get jealous They fall in love They become insecure They betray each other They forgive each other They manipulate each other They learn They dont learn They make choices Then have to live with the consequences

Sometimes fictional relationships make me recognize something Ive seen in life Sometimes they make me question something I thought I understood Sometimes I watch a character do something and think Why would anybody do that only to realize that Ive seen a real person do the same thing

So this isnt a paper written by someone with a list of degrees after her name Its my perspective Its my take Its what Ive come to believe after years of living observing reading watching questioning and thinking about something that almost everybody on this planet has to figure out in one way or another

How do we love another being without destroying ourselves or them in the process

My answer begins with four things I call them The Four Pillars of Love

Respect

Groundedness

Love

Trust

I dont think you can take one of these away and expect the relationship to remain completely healthy I think they work together

You respect the person you love

You stay grounded enough to remember that they are their person and you are your person

You love them through your actions not your feelings

You trust them enough to understand that you cannot control another human being into making the choices you want them to make

Around those four pillars are elements that help hold the relationship Communication Honesty Boundaries Vulnerability Accountability Reciprocity Emotional Regulation and Repair Those arent separate from the pillars theyre part of how the pillars stay standing

Pillar One Mutual Respect

Lets start with respect It sounds obvious Course you should respect your partner I think people sometimes forget what respect actually means once they become deeply attached to someone

Being in a relationship with somebody does not make that person your property I dont care how long youve been together I dont care whether youre married I dont care how much you love each other You still dont own another being

Theyre still a person They have their thoughts feelings friendships interests boundaries dreams and choices Honestly I think thats one of the parts about loving somebody

You can love someone deeply and still not have control over them

You can love someone They can still make a decision you dont like

You can love someone They can still disappoint you

You can love someone They can still have a life that isnt completely centered around you

Thats where respect comes in Respect means recognizing that the person you love is still an individual It means being able to disagree without trying to humiliate them It means being angry without destroying them It means listening even when you dont agree It means understanding that intimacy does not mean ownership

This matters because possessiveness gets dressed up as love Someone says Im only doing this because I love you Maybe they are Love doesnt automatically make every behavior loving You can love somebody Still behave badly You can be terrified of losing somebody Still cross a line Your feelings may explain why you did something They dont automatically make what you did okay

Pillar Two Groundedness

The second pillar is one I dont hear people talk about much groundedness

When I say groundedness I mean being able to stay connected to yourself while being deeply connected to another person Because relationships can bring up some emotions jealousy fear anxiety anger insecurity fear of abandonment fear of rejection Sometimes loving someone gives that person the ability to hurt you in a way that nobody else can Thats scary

I think there is a difference between feeling something and automatically deciding that the feeling tells you the truth

Im afraid youre going to leave me is different from Youre going to leave me

Im feeling jealous is different from Because Im jealous you must be doing something

The feeling is real The conclusion may not be Thats a distinction Sometimes the fear is coming from inside the person experiencing it sometimes something really did happen sometimes its both

Being grounded gives you space to stop and ask What am I actually feeling What do I actually know What am I assuming Did something actually happen Am I reacting to something Im afraid might happen

Groundedness doesnt mean ignoring your instincts sometimes they are telling you something It means taking the time to figure out whether youre responding to reality or to fear Groundedness also means not losing yourself inside a relationship You can love somebody without making them your entire identity You can have your friends interests opinions goals and life You dont have to stop being yourself because you fell in love

Pillar Three Love

The third pillar is obviously love Yes I realize that sounds too obvious When I say love I dont mean the feeling

Feelings matter of course Feelings change There are days when you feel close to someone days when youre annoyed days when youre tired and days when life gets in the way That doesnt necessarily mean love disappeared

To me love is also demonstrated through choices

How do you treat the person

Do you care about their being

Do you listen consider their feelings tell the truth and show up

Do you take responsibility when youve hurt them respect them when youre angry and want them to be happy when their happiness doesnt directly benefit you

Those things tell me more about love than saying the words Someone can say I love you every day and still treat you terribly Someone can be intensely passionate or obsessed with you Still not know how to love you in a way Intensity isnt intimacy Sometimes healthy love is much quieter its consistency consideration showing up honesty and knowing you dont have to create chaos just to prove you care

Pillar Four Trust

Then there is trust This one is huge I dont think you can have a relationship without it

Trust doesnt mean believing that your partner is incapable of hurting you Theyre human so are you If somebody repeatedly lies to you cheats on you hides things or breaks agreements you dont have to pretend everything is fine just because youre in love

Trust is built through patterns If someone consistently tells the truth keeps their word respects boundaries communicates honestly Takes responsibility for their mistakes trust has something to grow from If they consistently do the trust suffers and sometimes that isnt insecurity its a response to what has happened

Trust Is Not the Same as Certainty

Sometimes people want certainty when what they actually need is trust Nobody can give you certainty about another being You cannot control what they do when youre not there and honestly you shouldnt have to If the only reason someone is faithful is because youre watching them every what you havent trust its supervision

Trust isnt I know you could never hurt me Its like I know youre your person I cannot control every choice you make Based on the person youve consistently shown yourself to be I have reason to trust you That requires vulnerability

When Love Turns Into Surveillance

This brings me to one of the issues in relationships today surveillance

Tracking location checking phones going through messages watching media demanding updates When people argue about this one person says If youre doing this youre controlling while the other says You dont understand they gave me a reason not to trust them

We have to slow down The person doing the surveillance has existing insecurities or anxiety Sometimes the partner actually cheated lied hid things or broke boundaries creating a reason for trust to be damaged

So the suspicious person isnt automatically crazy The person who was betrayed doesnt automatically earn the right to control everything their partner does either You can understand why someone is constantly checking their partners phone without deciding that checking the phone is healthy One persons behavior does not erase the persons responsibility for their choices

Information Is Not Trust

Surveillance can give you information without giving you trust You can know where someone is and who theyre talking to and still not trust them Because the deeper question isnt always Where are you Sometimes the real question is Who are you when Im not watching

You can watch someones location You cannot watch their character You can check their phone You cannot check their intentions At surveillance gives you information Information is not trust

What If They Actually Did Something

If someone knowingly crosses a boundary Puts the relationship at risk they have to take responsibility for those choices You dont get to erase your decisions simply because you didnt like the consequences

At the time the person who was hurt still has to decide what theyre going to do They can establish boundaries ask for transparency work on rebuilding trust or leave Being betrayed doesnt give someone ownership over another persons life

Boundaries Are Not the Same as Control

A boundary says This is what I will accept

I wont stay in a relationship where my partner repeatedly cheats

Control says This is what you are allowed to do

Because Im afraid youll cheat I need to know where you are every second

Boundaries protect autonomy control takes autonomy away If I dont trust you I am allowed to leave or protect myself I am not entitled to own your freedom

Supporting Pillars Communication Accountability and Repair

Accountability Goes Both Ways If I hurt you Im responsible If you respond by hurting me youre responsible We cant keep passing the blame or saying I only did it because you made me We have to own our choices

Communication Is the Bridge How do you know what someone needs or repair trust if you cant talk Healthy communication doesnt mean every conversation is calm One approach opens a dialogue Im feeling insecure and need to talk while another closes it Youre obviously doing something

Emotional Regulation Feelings like jealousy and fear are real They dont always deserve to be obeyed Groundedness allows us to investigate a feeling without becoming the feeling

Reciprocity A relationship is a partnership Over time one person cannot carry all the work apologize constantly or be the one trying

Repair People make mistakes The difference between a dynamic is what happens afterward acknowledgment an apology changed behavior and patience Sometimes repair doesnt happen Walking away is the option

Looking at Love Through Fiction

Stories give us people to watch make choices and live with consequences While fiction isnt evidence it helps us examine dynamics

Eric and Tami Taylor Friday Night Lights Show a functional partnership built on support mutual respect and underlying trust proving that healthy love can be a quiet steady rhythm of doing life together I love you I respect you I trust you I actually like doing life with you

Randall and Beth Pearson This Is Us Highlight that one persons struggles like anxiety affect the other Love doesnt mean I will fix you it means I will stand beside you while you work on yourself

Keeley Jones and Roy Kent Ted Lasso Remind us that healthy relationships still have conflict the goal isnt never fighting but knowing how to find your way to each other and communicate vulnerability

Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy Pride and Prejudice Show the importance of selfawareness Being able to step outside your assumptions Maybe I was wrong

Jane Eyre and Rochester Jane Eyre Remind us that love and personal autonomy must coexist loving someone doesnt mean surrendering your identity or accepting behavior that violates your values

Amy Dunne Gone Girl A tale of what happens when respect trust and groundedness disappear turning a relationship into a battle for control and power than intimacy

What Ive Learned About People Research and Perspectives

Appearances Can Be Misleading Social media is a window not the house Im more interested in patterns how people act when theyre angry how they handle boundaries and how they treat each other when nobody is watching

The Role of Research Research has helped me put language around things Ive noticed like attachment conflict repair and emotional triggers My framework comes from realworld observation and life experience

Why This Is a Hot Take I expect people to disagree Thats healthy I want people to challenge my ideas about trust question where boundaries turn into control and think critically about whether love requires losing yourself

What I Dont Believe

I dont believe Healthy relationships require perfection never fighting zero jealousy or staying together no matter what I dont believe being betrayed gives you the right to control someone Do I believe trusting someone means ignoring flags

I do believe Love needs an environment to live in Respect trust boundaries accountability communication and reciprocity matter Feelings deserve to be acknowledged Actions and character matter most when it comes to rebuilding what was broken

My Final Take

So after everything Ive observed read and thought about this here is where I land

Healthy love doesnt require perfection certainty possession or control It requires two people whore willing to keep choosing respect honesty communication accountability and care It requires groundedness to recognize that feelings are real without assuming every feeling is a fact It requires trust to understand that you cannot control another human being into making the choices you want them to make It requires selfrespect to walk when a relationship repeatedly becomes something it shouldnt be

Importantly love should not require us to lose ourselves

We should be able to love somebody and still be ourselves We should be able to trust someone without pretending theyre incapable of hurting us We should be able to establish boundaries without turning those boundaries into control We should be able to admit when we are the ones who caused the damage

Because at the end of the day love isnt about how you feel Its about what you do with that feeling Its how you treat the person when youre angry when youre afraid when you dont know what theyre doing when you have power over them and when they have hurt you

Importantly Its how you treat them when nobody is watching

Thats where character shows up Thats where trust comes from Thats where two people themselves can choose over and over again to make love a healthy place for both of them to live